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Relationship Tips is sent only to those who have requested it. I value your privacy and never share my mailing list with anyone. To subscribe, please visit my website at: http://www.marksaindon.com and use the form near the top of the page. To Cancel or Change your subscription, use the links at the bottom.

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1. Welcome Notes

Hi, and welcome.

The intention of this newsletter is to provide you with practical insights and inspiration about creating successful relationships in your life. My hope is that you will be able to find at least one thought or idea from what you read here, that is of value to you, and take it into your life in a very useful way.

Also, I am interested in hearing back from you. Your feedback, questions, and comments will be helpful to me in creating future newsletters that provide real value. I look forward to hearing from you!

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2. What's Your Intention

One of the questions that couples ask me about and that they want to understand when they come in for counseling is - "Why do so many of our conversations turn into fights?" In an earlier newsletter I talked about the emotional and physiological reasons that can lead to fights.

In this newsletter I'm addressing how people think about their conversations, and how that thought process can either lead to a fight or can create a useful conversation.

What is the difference between a fight and a conversation?

Conversation: The informal exchange of ideas by spoken words.

Fight: To contend against in or as if in battle or physical combat.

Debate: An argument about a particular subject.

Because we're not talking about physical combat, a debate seems more appropriate for describing a verbal fight or argument.

When I ask clients what they believe leads to their fights, they usually look towards the other person. Mostly the partners blame each other for their fights. The reasons they give are that their partner is either not listening, interrupting and talking over, or being too defensive, or just doesn't understand, or doesn't seem to want to understand.

Some people ask what is wrong with having a good fight or argument. I explain that an argumentative style of communication causes damage to your relationship in several ways.

First, a fight or argument is just like a debate. Someone wins and someone loses. If you win the argument your partner loses. How do you feel when you walk away from a conversation that you have "lost"? How do you feel about the relationship and the other person when you consistently feel like you "lose" in the conversations that you have together?

Most people will, over time, create more distance and spend less time with someone who they have poor interactions with. Winning a conversation with your partner is really a no win for the relationship.

Second, how a conversation goes this time, usually sets a precedent for the next time. What kind of precedent are you setting?

Third, neither person feels listened to or understood when conversation turns into a debate.

Lastly, in a heated argument most people remember the hurt and the anger, not the content of the conversation.

What happens that has a conversation turn into a fight or argument. A conversation usually turns into a fight for one of the following reasons:

1) During the coversation, one person attempts to change the other person in some way or tries to make them be different than they are. The result is that the person feels like they are being parented by the other person.

We left our parents' house for a reason, and we don't live with them now for the same reason. As adults, we are done with being parented. Now, we want a partner, not a parent.

2) One person orders or commands the other person to do something. Like a parent would with a child.

3) One person tries to make the other person agree with their opinion or point of view; to see it their way.

How successful have you been when you try and change another person? Most adults become resentful and defensive when another person, without permission, attempts to change them in some way.

Check your intention for having the conversation, before you start talking with your partner. This can be a helpful technique in avoiding a fight, and may lead to having a conversation that creates connection.

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3. Quotes to Ponder

“Some relationships start with fights... But, usually only in romantic comedies. Life's not the movies.”
- Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata

"Two monologues do not make a dialogue."
- Jeff Daly

"Only if we can restrain ourselves is good conversation possible. Good talk rises upon much discipline."
- John Erskine

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4. Humor for the soul

Scientist have conquered gravity

Using the well-known facts that toast will always land on the buttered side and that cats will always land on their feet, scientist in Los Alamos this morning strapped buttered toast to the back of a cat and found that it hovered. The implications of this discovery are not fully understood yet, but sources at Los Alamos have stated that their calculations indicate that one million cats and a peice of toast the size of Cleveland would be able to lift all three Western states.

The scientists, while optimistic, caution that there are a number of technical difficulties to overcome before the discovery has practical applications. The most troublesome of these seems to be that the attractive forces of the toast and the cat's paws, when pointed in opposite directions, cause the conjoined objects to spin at 237 revolutions per minute.

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© Copyright 2007. Mark Saindon, MA, LMFT