When you think of your marriage, do you think in terms of a life long marriage?
90% of people in the U.S. are projected to marry. Almost half will divorce.
We have the highest levels of marriage AND divorce in the Western World.
Below I’ve summarized what I hear frequently from couples who are reconsidering their marriages:
1) I’m bored -
Translation: I feel my partner is boring
2) We don’t get along -
Translation: I feel distant and disconnected from my partner
3) I married the wrong person -
Translation: Both #1 and #2
Americans value the stability and security of life long marriage, but we also believe that
individuals who are unhappy in their marriage should be allowed to end them.
Based on research findings, only in America will you find these two conflicting values co-existing.
As it turns out though, many Americans place a greater emphasis on personal satisfaction, and regard having a life long marriage as secondary.
Often, people are unwilling to stay in their marriage if it doesn’t provide the immediate happiness and fulfillment that they are looking to have in a relationship.
But the real problem here is that they blame their dis-satisfaction with the relationship on their partner, instead of looking for ways to contribute to their relationship that will get them out of the rut and move them toward what they say they want.
Here are some suggestions for the problems I hear about.
If you are bored….
“Boredom is a pattern, not a reality”.
I don’t know who to attribute this quote to originally, but I found this on the internet and it
resonates.
The experience of boredom doesn’t mean that something is wrong, it means time to change the pattern, do something different. Get creative.
If you feel distant or disconnected….
Do something with your partner that creates connection or closeness, or both. If your not sure or you’ve forgotten, think back to a time when you felt connected and close. What kinds of things did you do then? Many of those same activities will probably work, even now.
Still not sure? Do an activity together that is new to both of you, do something exciting together, or search the internet for new ideas for activities.
If your thinking that you married the wrong person….
Welcome to the club. Most people in a marriage have this thought at some point in their
relationship. Maybe even more than once!
Again, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong. It means you’re noticing the differences between yourself and your partner. The differences that you don’t like.
Part of your original attraction to each other is because of those differences. It’s just that as
time goes on some of the differences you don’t like as much as others. Really, you say!
Read a book on improving your marriage together, take a marriage enrichment class together, or get counseling.
On average, most people wait six years between the time they notice a problem in their relationship and when they actually get some help. Waiting that long seriously effects the health of your relationship and jeopardizes having a marriage that is life long.
Question to ask yourself:
Am I waiting for my marriage or my spouse to be different before I’m willing to change myself to have a more positive relationship?
Let me know your thoughts on having a life long marriage.
Add a Comment
Hello Mark,
I can not remember if it was you my husband I sought for marriage counseling, which by the way was many years after we both felt the pull of divorce. However, when we did do the ONE counseling session it opened us up to the thought that we really do want to have a “life long marriage”. The things we felt couldn’t be changed were easier to change than to leave the marriage we had spent 10 years building. Now it has been almost 2 years since that one time meeting and we have come to understand each other. I love how in this article you state how we, (the partners in a marriage), need to focus on what we originally found attractive about the differences and what we did together that kept us close.
After 12 years my husband and I have found many things we would love to change about each other, however we have also come to realize that it took 12 years to find out about a lot of them. Starting off with a person means a whole new set of “things we would like to change” LOL Why would we choose to not work on trying to learn how to live with those differences for the next 12 years and see a family grow with love and exceptance of each other. Please, don’t get me wrong some marriages just can not work because of much more than boredom and distance from lack of effort. I understand. But, giving an effort for my marriage and having a partner who did the same has made for a great adventure. I send all of you good energy in the direction you want to go in your marriages.
Nikol
Hi Nikol,
Thanks for your very honest comments about the challenges you faced in your marriage. It’s great to hear how both of you worked together to make the needed changes. Thanks for sharing your story!
American society today is caught in the belief that the ” grass is greener on the other side”. If you don’t like what you have just return it and get another. If couples that have despair in the marriage were to put as much effort into it as they do their career/job they would be surprised at what happiness they will find. After 14 years of marriage I can only say that ” the grass is greenest were you water it”. Feed it and nourish it and watch it grow. In time you will have the greenest pasture in the field.
Matt,
I love the comment “the grass is greenest where you water it.” Too true!
Mark, thanks for your thoughts on this topic. I particularly appreciated the thoughts about deliberately doing something to reconnect with your partner. I also appreciated the straightforward mentality… “Welcome to the club…” it’s so true. Thanks.