How to Stop Blaming in Your Relationship Now

Often when I see a couple for the first time they tend to gravitate towards blaming each other for the problems in their relationship. And, with couples who have been blaming each other for awhile they have convinced themselves that their partner is <insert negative assessment here>.

Concluding that your partner is the problem because they are <insert negative assessment here> labels them and tends to have you see them in that light no matter what they do. It’s also is a convenient way to absolve yourself of any responsibility for the problems in your relationship.

If you look outside and notice that you’re having a stormy day you don’t assume now that the weather will always and forever be stormy. You accept the weather conditions for that day and adjust your plans accordingly. You don’t write-off the weather forever.

Why then would you write-off your partner when you’ve had a stormy time with them. Making decisions or conclusions about your relationship or your partner because of your missed expectations makes it easy to blame them as the problem, but it doesn’t give you the love or connection you want.

When you use negative experiences from the past to justify withholding your love and acceptance of your partner you sacrifice your connection with them, and continue the cycle of distance and loneliness in your relationship.

So what can you do when you find yourself stuck in that place of blame and being right.

Below are three questions that I use to help myself when I’m stuck in my relationship. One of which can sometimes do the trick, or feel free to use all three if needed!

By answering these three questions, you can begin moving towards creating the love and connection again with your partner:

1. How am I contributing to this problem?

Addressing this question takes the focus off of blame and has you look towards changing something you can control – your thoughts and behavior.

List at least three ways that you think you may be contributing to the problem and then pick the one that seems the most likely for you. Create a goal for yourself that will put an end to that behavior over the next month.

2. What negative decision or conclusion concerning my partner am I willing to let go of now?

Having to be right that your partner is <insert negative assessment here> keeps you fully engaged in blaming the other person, and takes your attention and energy away from improving yourself as a partner.

Want to stop blaming now? Imagine what your relationship would be like as you see your partner in a more positive light.

Try the following experiment:
Replace your negative assessment of your partner with a positive assessment that you honestly think or feel is true about them. Continue to hold that thought for the day about your partner and notice how you feel towards them. Write yourself a note and keep it somewhere you’ll see it throughout the day if needed.

3. What’s one thing that I genuinely love or truly appreciate about my partner?

Being genuinely grateful and cultivating an authentic attitude of appreciation for all the positive stuff that your partner brings to your relationship helps you to see them in a more favorable light and inspires loving behavior towards them.

It’s your choice. You can be right or you can have the kind of experience in your relationship that you want.

I’m curious to know how these questions work for you.

Let me know what happens when you try them.