Research shows that, on average, most couples have around ten issues that will reoccur throughout the lifetime of their marriage. The issues may get better at times, seem worse at others, and one or two may even go away at some point.

The good news is that your relationship issues don’t have to define your marriage. You can actually change how you think about and deal with the issues. In fact, what you choose to focus on will dramatically effect how you feel about your partner and your marriage. And, actually it has more to do with how your brain works.

For example, have you ever thought about and decided on the next car you’d like to have. And, maybe you’ve even chosen the color of that car. Amazingly, the car you’ve selected, in the color you want, seems to show up wherever you go. It’s like magic.

No, it’s not really magic. The same cars were always there, it’s just that you weren’t as interested in them before, so they all faded into the background of your surroundings. Your particular car didn’t become significant to you, or your brain, until it became the focus of your attention.

So what has this got to do with your marriage?

It has to do with what you focus your attention on in your relationship.

Imagine several of your marriage issues sitting before you, each in it’s own color coded file folder. Opening a file folder means that you are thinking or talking about that issue. Imagine that you have all ten file folders open, all the time. What would your relationship be like? Because what would you be thinking about and talking about most of the time? The issues.

Who would want to be in a relationship where most of your attention and focus centers on the negative issues of your partner or the marriage?

When you allow yourself to continually and repeatedly mull over the the issues of your relationship you ensure that you will have negative feelings about your partner and your marriage. And, eventually, it’s going to show up in undesirable behavior towards your spouse.

Here’s a 4-step process to think about and possibly deal with your issues in a more constructive manner:

Step 1: Create file folders
Think of each of the issues in your relationship as a separate file folder or like a file on your computer. Color code each file, if you’d like.

Step 2: Be aware of opening the file
Be mindful of the amount of time that you are thinking about or talking about the negative issues in your relationship. And, notice if you have some purpose with your thinking or talking other than to ruminate about the issues?

Step 3: Close the file
This may take some practice in the beginning. When you first discover yourself thinking about a relationship issue, without any positive purpose in mind, imagine yourself closing the file folder and putting it away. Or, pick some visual that works best for you, as long as you visualize yourself closing and putting away the item that contains the issue. Repeat as necessary.

Step 4: Change your focus
After closing the file and putting it away, pick one thing that you love or appreciate about your partner and focus your thoughts on that.

So when do you open your issue files?

Only open one of your issue files if you are going to do something productive or positive for your relationship regarding that issue. And, I suggest you just open one issue file at a time.

Some examples of opening one of your issue files for a positive purpose are:

• Journal about the issue
• Have a conversation with your partner about the issue, that you both agree to have
• Look at how you might be contributing to the issue
• Consider the issue from the the other persons point of view, standing in their shoes
• Brainstorm some healthy ideas that may help to ease the issue

Remember, focus on and give attention to what you want to make significant and meaningful in your relationship.

Let me know what you think.

I read in the news last week that a guy in Los Angeles is offering insurance policies for divorce.
It’s very similar to other types of insurance that you may already have, like for your home or car.

You pay monthly premiums for the divorce insurance, which are determined by the amount of money you want to receive if your marriage ends in a divorce. Payouts range from $1,250 to $1.25 million.

And, your spouse doesn’t even have to know you have it.

Unbelievable.

I’m thinking that if buying divorce insurance catches on there will have to be changes made to the
wedding vows.

I imagine it might sound something like this: “until death do us part, OR, until for some reason
that I deem appropriate, I decide to divorce you and collect on my insurance”.

Okay, so that last part will probably never make it into the vows for obvious reasons.

What concerns me, though, is that by buying divorce insurance it means that people are thinking and planning for the marriage to possibly end in divorce.

Maybe it’s just my twisted mind but, by planning for divorce, I could see things progressing even further.

For example, what if couples were offered time-limited choices for their marriage? Kind of like term life insurance.

Based on the plan of your choice, you can make arrangements and prepare for when your marriage will end. Without all the messiness and pain of an unplanned or unexpected divorce.

My suggested menu options for the time-limited marriages would be:

1-3 years:The Teaser
5 years:The Sampler
10 years:The Diamond Deal
15 years:The Crystal Classic
20 years:The Double Decade Delight
25 years:The Silver Sundown
30 Years:The Midlife Getaway

I know, this sounds totally crazy, especially coming from a marriage counselor. And it is crazy,
because it totally ruins one of the main intentions of marriage – the life-long commitment to a
relationship partner.

Making a life-long promise to another person as part of the marriage vows implies that you are
willing to put in the effort that it takes to keep the promise.

Because at many different points in time your marriage will be challenging and hard, like most
things worth doing.

By definition, marriage is the binding promise of a life-long commitment to another person, and
usually includes the words “until death do us part”.

How does having divorce insurance help a couple, first, make such a promise, and, second, keep that promise to each other?

It doesn’t.

The best insurance for having a successful marriage is to be pro-active in your relationship, make
your marriage a priority, and do the kinds things that keep your relationship a source of love and
strength.

And, if necessary, when you need help getting things back on track get professional help.
It’s more cost effective in the long-run than either a divorce or buying divorce insurance.

And really, divorce insurance?

I realize that this is about making money from people’s fears. Real fears about losing it all
in a divorce and about starting over. But where do you draw the line about making money,
especially when it conflicts with, and undermines, important cultural values of a society?

How about creating incentives that would encourage married people to stay together.

What if we gave couples cash bonuses or, even better, tax credits that increase in amount the
longer that they stay married?

Just a thought.

Tell me what you think?

When you think of your marriage, do you think in terms of a life long marriage?

90% of people in the U.S. are projected to marry. Almost half will divorce.

We have the highest levels of marriage AND divorce in the Western World.

Below I’ve summarized what I hear frequently from couples who are reconsidering their marriages:

1) I’m bored -
Translation: I feel my partner is boring

2)  We don’t get along -
Translation: I feel distant and disconnected from my partner

3)  I married the wrong person -
Translation: Both #1 and #2

Americans value the stability and security of life long marriage, but we also believe that
individuals who are unhappy in their marriage should be allowed to end them.

Based on research findings, only in America will you find these two conflicting values co-existing.

As it turns out though, many Americans place a greater emphasis on personal satisfaction, and regard having a life long marriage as secondary.

Often, people are unwilling to stay in their marriage if it doesn’t provide the immediate happiness and fulfillment that they are looking to have in a relationship.

But the real problem here is that they blame their dis-satisfaction with the relationship on their partner, instead of looking for ways to contribute to their relationship that will get them out of the rut and move them toward what they say they want.

Here are some suggestions for the problems I hear about.

If you are bored….

“Boredom is a pattern, not a reality”.

I don’t know who to attribute this quote to originally, but I found this on the internet and it
resonates.

The experience of boredom doesn’t mean that something is wrong, it means time to change the pattern, do something different. Get creative.

If you feel distant or disconnected….

Do something with your partner that creates connection or closeness, or both. If your not sure or you’ve forgotten, think back to a time when you felt connected and close. What kinds of things did you do then? Many of those same activities will probably work, even now.

Still not sure? Do an activity together that is new to both of you, do something exciting together, or search the internet for new ideas for activities.

If your thinking that you married the wrong person….

Welcome to the club. Most people in a marriage have this thought at some point in their
relationship. Maybe even more than once!

Again, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong. It means you’re noticing the differences between yourself and your partner. The differences that you don’t like.

Part of your original attraction to each other is because of those differences. It’s just that as
time goes on some of the differences you don’t like as much as others. Really, you say!

Read a book on improving your marriage together, take a marriage enrichment class together, or get counseling.

On average, most people wait six years between the time they notice a problem in their relationship and when they actually get some help. Waiting that long seriously effects the health of your relationship and jeopardizes having a marriage that is life long.

Question to ask yourself:

Am I waiting for my marriage or my spouse to be different before I’m willing to change myself to have a more positive relationship?

Let me know your thoughts on having a life long marriage.

Often when I see a couple for the first time they tend to gravitate towards blaming each other for the problems in their relationship. And, with couples who have been blaming each other for awhile they have convinced themselves that their partner is <insert negative assessment here>.

Concluding that your partner is the problem because they are <insert negative assessment here> labels them and tends to have you see them in that light no matter what they do. It’s also is a convenient way to absolve yourself of any responsibility for the problems in your relationship.

If you look outside and notice that you’re having a stormy day you don’t assume now that the weather will always and forever be stormy. You accept the weather conditions for that day and adjust your plans accordingly. You don’t write-off the weather forever.

Why then would you write-off your partner when you’ve had a stormy time with them. Making decisions or conclusions about your relationship or your partner because of your missed expectations makes it easy to blame them as the problem, but it doesn’t give you the love or connection you want.

When you use negative experiences from the past to justify withholding your love and acceptance of your partner you sacrifice your connection with them, and continue the cycle of distance and loneliness in your relationship.

So what can you do when you find yourself stuck in that place of blame and being right.

Below are three questions that I use to help myself when I’m stuck in my relationship. One of which can sometimes do the trick, or feel free to use all three if needed!

By answering these three questions, you can begin moving towards creating the love and connection again with your partner:

1. How am I contributing to this problem?

Addressing this question takes the focus off of blame and has you look towards changing something you can control – your thoughts and behavior.

List at least three ways that you think you may be contributing to the problem and then pick the one that seems the most likely for you. Create a goal for yourself that will put an end to that behavior over the next month.

2. What negative decision or conclusion concerning my partner am I willing to let go of now?

Having to be right that your partner is <insert negative assessment here> keeps you fully engaged in blaming the other person, and takes your attention and energy away from improving yourself as a partner.

Want to stop blaming now? Imagine what your relationship would be like as you see your partner in a more positive light.

Try the following experiment:
Replace your negative assessment of your partner with a positive assessment that you honestly think or feel is true about them. Continue to hold that thought for the day about your partner and notice how you feel towards them. Write yourself a note and keep it somewhere you’ll see it throughout the day if needed.

3. What’s one thing that I genuinely love or truly appreciate about my partner?

Being genuinely grateful and cultivating an authentic attitude of appreciation for all the positive stuff that your partner brings to your relationship helps you to see them in a more favorable light and inspires loving behavior towards them.

It’s your choice. You can be right or you can have the kind of experience in your relationship that you want.

I’m curious to know how these questions work for you.

Let me know what happens when you try them.